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the following is a short-ish booklist i put together semi-sober the other night. i've been meaning to do this for quite some time; i realized after i started why i hadnt done it yet. it's remarkably difficult to remember things ive read, and that's sad. i started commenting on the books/authors themselves for the benefit of some kids i play psychobabble with, just giving them a general idea of what the shit's sort of about, so's they can steer clear of things with dragons in them, etc.

Douglas adams. Comic genius. RIP.

James clavell. Shogun. Shogun fucking rules. It’s a little dry at first. Give it a hundred pages or so before you give up on it. Feudal japan, samurai, etc. Englishman gets stranded in japan and learns the language, earns trust, becomes samurai, blah blah. Think ‘last samurai,’ only much awesomer.

Bernard cornwell. Some of the most rockin’ historical fiction around, if that makes any sort of sense whatsoever. Sean Bean plays Sharpe in the movie adaptations of his Napoleonic war books. Those books fucking rock. Especially if you hate the French. The first is titled ‘Sharpe’s Eagle.’ There are at least 12 more where that came from. He also is in the middle of a holy grail-type thing. The first book is ‘the archer’s tale,’ and it rocks as well. Great series. ‘stonehenge’ was a little weird, but good. I highly recommend this gentleman.

c. s. forester . I am a fucking nerd. It’s going to be disturbing to see just how much historical fiction shows up on this list. This dude is the author of the horatio hornblower books. I read these when I was younger, so they might not be all that good. But I’m pretty sure they are; it’s rare my memory fucks me over a book. This stuff is all naval battles and stuff, im not sure what era.. I think Napoleonic as well. But it rocks. I hate to say this, but if you liked ‘master and commander,’ youll eat this shit up.

Patrick o’brian. Speaking of master and commander.. that’s a book in a similar ‘horatio hornblower’ type series. Im not sure which came first, but this series I just started, and it kicks ass so far. That was a very poorly worded sentence. Regardless. Captain jack Aubrey, look into him.

obligatory tolkien. Yes, im a nerd. Oh well. The hobbit.. eh, so so. Lord of the rings stuff is pretty good. I think you should read the man’s stuff out of respect, if anything.

george rr martin. Ok, that tolkien fellah, right above this? In my honest, humble, somewhat well read opinion… equals. As a matter of fact, I like mr. martin more. Keep in mind I read tolkien when I was younger, and martin when I was in Kuwait… so maybe state of mind had something to do with it. But until I reread it for the third time and give it another opinion, this guy is the bee’s knees.

Raymond feist. Total nerd fest. Fantasy stuff, I think there’s even a dragon in it somewhere. A very long, but extremely readable series. Extremely likeable characters. Just be prepared to bust out your amulet of nerd warding.

Larry niven/jerry pournelle. One of the finest sci-fi duos around. Larry niven’s standalone shit is also good. ‘lucifer’s hammer’ is what started it for me with these kids. Think the movie ‘armageddon,’ only theres no gay save the planet space mission; that motherfucker HITS us and fucks us allll up. Survival type stuff. Fucking great. Man, for real, anything these cats write is rad.

Leon uris, trinity and redemption. If youre irish, youll like this. If not, well.. still good. Yeah, it’s very good stuff. Trinity is probably one of my favoritest books ever. This is about the larkin family, and their embroilment with the IRA and all sorts of fun stuff. Sad stuff, though. Fair warning.

Michael Crichton, sort of. I say sort of because a book like ‘timeline’ is just Jurassic park with the word ‘dinosaur’ edited to say ‘knight.’ The book sucked, and timeline is the worst movie ever put to film. I want to break the knees of the execs that allowed that fucking abortion into a theater near me. Jurassic park was pretty good though.

Christopher moore. Funny stuff. For april’s sake, let me put these in order. Start with practical demon keeping. Island of the sequined love nun. The lust lizard of melancholy cove. THEN read the stupidest angel. If you haven’t already, read lamb, as well. I have yet to read ‘fluke,’ but I’m guessing I’ll like it a great deal. I actually read practical demonkeeping quite on accident years and years ago, and my mom picked it up two years ago or so and was all like, ‘read this, it’s good.’ And I was all like, ‘uh duh, I know.’

Steven brust. I haven’t read any of these books since probably middle school, but I tell you what, they fucking rocked back then. Vlad taltos is the main character, and he’s an assassin. That’s about all I remember, that and the guy has like a little dragon type thing as a pet. It’s fantasy stuff folks, but it’s good. It made me want to be an assassin at quite a young age. Go me. Natalie Portman and ‘the Professional’ sealed the deal. I still want to shoot people for a living. Sort of. Not really. The army got it out of my system.. good books. Whatever. Sadly, you may have to find them in the ‘young adult’ section. So maybe theyre NOT so good. Whatev.

Jane yolen. Another ‘young adult’ selection. Im not sure if I would reread her stuff or not. It was all about dragons and shit. Goddamn im a nerd. It’s amazing that I’ve ever touched a vagina before. At the time, these books were really good. Oh balls. I just googled her and yeah, the heart’s blood stuff and all those damn books are TOTALLY labeled young adult. Blah.

Ayn rand. Well now, some adult stuff. The fountainhead and atlas shrugged are really good. The end.

Robert aspirin. phule’s company stuff, and thieves world. More young adult scifi, fantasy stuff, respectively. Good at the time. Sue me.

Leo frankowski’s crosstime engineer series. More historical fiction, yay! This is what Crichton was shooting for with ‘timeline.’ A dude travels back to just before the mongol invasion of Europe. Anachronistic hilarity ensues. Good stuff. May also be young adult, but I don’t care, it rocked.

Stephen king’s dark tower series, to include hearts in atlantis, the stand, eyes of the dragon, etc. also, look into desperation/the regulators. Also, talisman, with peter straub, and its sequel, black house, are fantastic, and work into the dark tower series. ‘the mist’ is one of the best short stories ive had the fortune to come across, and it has inspired me to write since first reading it at around 11 years of age. ‘rage,’ one of his Richard bachman books, is also very, very good. Reminds me of me. I’m not going to lie, some of his books stink like week old shit. And most of his movies are painful to watch, with the exception of the original shining and misery. I think the only properly casted members of the stand were nick andros and randal flagg. Meh. Whatev’

Robert Ludlum. Definitely check out the REAL bourne identity stuff. It will make you hate that pig fucker matt damon even more. The road to gandalfo is one of the funniest books ever. Believe it or not.

Hunter s. Thompson. Stick to his novels, unless you really like politics. Fear and loathing in las vegas is wonderful. The rum diaries rocks, and it’s his first book ever; very nice. Kingdom of fear wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t all that good, either.

Chuck motherfuckin’ Palahniuk. If he wrote it, read it. Warning: don’t read more than two at a time, however. The pace and his style sort of… I don’t know, they’ll blend together and become less good. Don’t over do it all at once. Spread them out.

Neal Stephenson. This motherfucker is crazy. Snowcrash was awesome; zodiac was pretty damn good too. Cryptonomicon fucking ruled, once I gave it a shot. It’s not for the faint hearted, though. It’s a long one. Speaking of long. The baroque cycle: quicksilver, the confusion, and the system of the world. Excellent stuff. More historical fiction, 1670’s or so. Really, really in depth, nay, crazy. Very good stuff.

Elmore Leonard. Man, his stuff is pretty good. All wacky, zany detective/crime novels. He wrote ‘get shorty’ and ‘be cool.’ I hope that doesn’t ruin it for you.. john Travolta, yeah, I know. BUT. He also wrote ‘out of sight,’ which I thought was a very good movie. I love Clooney, and that lopez broad? Smokin’ pick up any one of his books, theyre all very good. Out of sight was a great book, which is probably why I liked the flick so much. All his stuff is pretty damn funny.

Carl Hiaasen. Florida writer. Funny stuff, elmore Leonard-esque, as in the crime/detective whathaveyou. ‘zany’ characters. Good stuff.

James w. hall, another florida writer. Im pretty sure his main guy is thorn. Thorn’s a badass. Good books.

Kurt Vonnegut jr. come on folks. They made you read slaughterhouse V in highschool. If you didn’t like it, well, you probably stopped reading this list a long time ago. Vonnegut is one of my heroes, and he should be yours, too. Nuff said.

J.D. salinger. Catcher in the rye, blah blah, I know, I know. I really, really like this book. It made me cry the first time I read it. I don’t remember why. Regardless, I tend to keep a copy of it on hand at all times. And no, im not going to shoot anybody.

Samuel Clemens/mark twain. Fuck tom sawyer, but a lot of this guy’s stuff is really, really good. That’s what earned him the whole ‘classic’ thing, I guess.

O. Henry. Read some of his stuff, it’s great. I guess ive moved into ‘classics I don’t hate.’

Roald Dahl. Mmmmm yes. Some of his stuff is downright creepy. And he does war stuff, too. Give this mathilda writin’ mofo another look.

Anne Rice. Goddamn im a nerd. Her vampire stuff is pretty neat. That bitch can write, yo.

J.K. Rowling’s rich ass. Those books are pretty damn good. Lucky.

Harper Lee, to kill a mockingbird. Good stuff. The movie with Gregory peck rocked, too. Incidentally, Gregory peck plays horatio hornblower in the movies

William Golding, lord of the flies. More classics, more good stuff. (thanks annalyn)

Piers Anthony. Xanth novels. More young adult stuff. Theyre fun.

Louis Sachar. Sideways stories from wayside school, hole, etc. very young adult type stuff, but great fun. I still have songs from them stuck in my head. I’m 24 years old.

Haruki Murakami, hard boiled wonderland and the edge of the world. Very weird, very good. It’s got unicorns in it!

C.S. Lewis, chronicles of narnia. Fuck yeah.

C.J. Cherryh, faded sun series. A trilogy of sci fi stuff, creates a very interesting race. Really, really good, if you like spacenerd geek stuff.

George Orwell, 1984, animal farm. Yep.

John Howard Griffin, black like me. Very good book; social experiment, white dude in the sixties goes through procedure to become dark skinned, travels south. True story. Very, very good, but makes you feel like an asshole if you tell a lot of racist jokes.

Thomas Keneally, schindler’s list. I read black like me and schindler’s list in the same week, and felt like a total douchebag for like a month. But then I got over it. Awesome book.

Robert Mason, ‘chickenhawk.’ Vietnam chopper pilots. I don’t remember much else, but if I remember the name after having read it ten years ago, it must be ok.

Franklin W. Dixon, ‘the hardy boys.’ Yay!

Carolyn Keene, mr. dixon’s partner in crime with Nancy Drew.

Donald J. Sobol, encyclopedia brown. Young adult detective stuff. Funny, good.

Sir Arthur ‘my main man’ Conan Doyle. This man is fucking amazing.

John Steinbeck. Of mice and men rocks. I woulda snapped that bitch’s neck, too.

Joseph Heller, catch 22. good book, good movie, good band. Way to go!

Anthony Burgess. A clockwork orange. Honey for the bears. Excellent stuff. At least give a clockwork orange a shot. Soooo good.

Aldous Huxley, a brave new world. I don’t remember anything about this book, but it’s saved my ass in conversations before, so I’ll include it. I read it in highschool, then fought a war. I don’t remember shit about it. The end.

Arthur Golden, memoirs of a geisha. If youre patient, it’ll be a movie. Lazy ass. Read the damn book.

Sylvia plath, the bell jar. Jesus, depressing. So good.

Ian Serraillier, ‘escape from warsaw: the silver sword.’ This book made me cry when I was younger. A chicken dies in it. Be warned.

Agatha Christie. I like the Poirot mysteries, myself. Ten little Indians and all that, too. Good stuff.

This is all I can come up with at the moment. For immediate reading pleasure, I recommend the Christopher moore books; something by chuck pahlaniuk, or however the fuck you spell it (it’s spelled correctly up top the first time); “hard boiled wonderland and the edge of the world;” and something by james w. hall.

fin.

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